


Dr House's Last Lecture

by GloriaMundi



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Community: kink_bingo, Electricity, Monologue, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-08
Updated: 2010-09-08
Packaged: 2017-10-11 14:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/113372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GloriaMundi/pseuds/GloriaMundi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On pain relief and TENS machines.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr House's Last Lecture

Dr. Cuddy has asked me to talk to you all today about pain relief, with particular reference to the TENS device manufactured by our sponsor -- I beg your pardon, our generous donor -- Mr Stephen Bering of Bering Medical.

Let's face it, pain's a bitch. Nobody likes pain. Pain: bad. No pain: good. Personally I don't like pain at all, and I'm in a pretty good position to judge. If I was a masochist I'd be walking around in a constant state of orgasm. In case you missed it, I'm not.

Fortunately, there are all sorts of ways to treat chronic pain. Unfortunately, none of them really work.

Three points to note about chronic pain: one, if you give a patient control of their pain relief -- a morphine drip, a bottle of pills, a pain relief device -- they'll report less pain. Well, duh. But because they're in control, they'll perceive the pain as less crippling. The downside of this is the probability of addiction to pain relief. Also worth noting: if you dose the patient with effective analgesics for long enough, they'll lose sexual function.

Two: if you divert the pain by giving it something more urgent to deal with (like a broken finger) the chronic pain will be lessened. This is the gating effect, and it happens (hypothetically) in the central nervous system. Problem with this one is you'll be spending all your time in the emergency room with cuts, bruises, broken bones, etc., and your insurance company will ask awkward questions.

Three: endorphins. Endorphins rock. They are your friends. Endorphins -- produced, as you all know, by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus -- relieve pain. There are a lot of ways to kickstart endorphin production. Exercise -- the so-called runner's high. Excitement -- watching a scary movie. Spicy food. Pain -- no, wait, if you're trying to alleviate pain you don't want more pain to alleviate. Spicy food can do it. And of course there's sex.

You may be wondering why I haven't actually mentioned the new Bering TENS machine yet. Trust me, I'm getting to that. TENS machines -- that's transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation, for those of you who need every little bit of medical shorthand exhaustively explained -- are good at decreasing pain. They're actually pretty good at taking your mind off chronic pain, too, as long as you don't follow the instructions or use them under medical supervision. Of course, if you happen to be a healthcare professional -- as some of you may actually end up being -- you can supervise your own treatment. Hey, if you aren't destitute after you graduate from here, you can probably even get one of the new prototype TENS machines from your hospital or practice, for purposes of testing.

Do remember to check that your roommate is out for the evening before attempting any experiments that aren't covered by the instruction manual.

Now, the long-term drug addict -- by which I mean chronic pain patient -- may have difficulty achieving erection, which is a bitch because it's a hell of a lot easier to apply the electrodes to an erect penis than a ... non-erect one. Still, a little preliminary meditation can go a long way. Here's a shot of Carmen Electra that has been reported to have a positive effect on one hundred percent of patients in our study.

For the record, the preliminary study sample was exclusively male. If any women in the audience would like to volunteer for the phase two trial, see me afterwards.

Then it's just a case of attaching one electrode to the penis -- our test subject reported that a spot just below the glans is most effective -- and another to the scrotum. It's vital to use sufficient lubrication, because dry skin is more resistant than wet skin, and let's face it, if this works the skin's gonna get wet sooner or later. Olive oil is pretty good, unless you want the clerk in Walmart to give you the evil eye when you buy a saver-size -- Dr. Cuddy, did you have something to add? Or are you volunteering for Phase 2? That outfit could probably launch a thousand experiments ... Where was I? Ah yes: and a litre of olive oil's a heck of a lot easier to explain to your roommate than a litre of Astroglide.

Our subject reported that the feel of the current running through his skin, the way his dick twitched with each pulse of electricity, the way the intensity ramped up ... if 'Program J' was a person, you'd be in love with it. Apparently. Anyway, if you're reasonably flexible, have good personal hygiene and know how your own body works (just as a matter of interest, how many of you got into medicine to find out what your body's capable of doing?) you can safely experiment with additional stimulation. Or extra pads -- probably available from Mr Bering's website. Or the insertable (and if you'd prefer to avoid public humiliation in the ER, extractable) object of your choice. Brownie points if you can wire that up to the TENS gadget too.

And if your roommate comes home the next day with a present for you -- something about getting talking to the rep from Omega, she gave me this to try, maybe it's more your kind of thing? -- and it turns out to be the other latest model with six electrode pads and disco lights and a coffee-maker for afterwards -- hey, they're good for pain relief too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to **lmeden** for beta! (I've been staring at this fic for weeks: time to let it fly free)


End file.
